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Random Jokes

Here are some random jokes, for your reading pleasure.

If heat rises, heaven might be hotter than hell.

I’m addicted to placebos.  I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t 1^st place. 

When I was in high school, I worked in a pet store, but they fired me.  They had 3 snakes in there and one day I braided them.  I tried to pass it off as one snake with 3 heads. 

When I was in 3^rd grade I had a teacher that was nearly deaf.  She would turn the thermostat down to 16 degrees.  If anyone talked, she could see your breath coming out of your mouth. 

I went out with a girl in high school and her dad said, “I want her home by 8:15.”  I said, “The middle of August?  That’s cool.” 

This next song doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

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How To Right Real Good

1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague—they're old hat.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
9. Contractions aren't necessary.
10. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
11. One should never generalize.
12. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
13. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
14. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
15. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
16. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
17. Understatement is always best.
18. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Need more suggestions?

1. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Always!
2. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
3. The passive voice should not be used.
4. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
5. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
6. Who needs rhetorical questions?
7. Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
8. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.

How about even more?

28. Subject and verb always has to agree.
29. Be more or less specific.
30. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
31. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
32. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
33. Don't be redundant.
34. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
35. Don't never use no double negatives.
36. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
37. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
38. Eschew obfuscation.
39. No sentence fragments.
40. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
41. A writer must not shift your point of view.
42. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
43. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
44. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
45. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
46. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
47. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
48. Always pick on the correct idiom.
49. The adverb always follows the verb.
50. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's
room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice:

"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were invited
to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pas tor's clip-
on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bi**h to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just getting
ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are
getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing
in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bi**h is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of
the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher pause d then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Oh my! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm
Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't
you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and
play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough."

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Living on Earth is expensive,   but it does include a free trip   around the sun every year.

How long a minute is  depends on what side of the  bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;   the more you have,  the longer you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late  are often much jollier   than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave  with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,  how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,   but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun   to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;  smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:  some are sharp, some are pretty,
   some are dull, some have weird names,   and all are different colors....but  they all exist very nicely in the same box.

Working for God on earth does not pay much,  but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

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A WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other." He then
addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right
here.


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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 If people can have triplets and quadruplets why not singlets and doublets?

 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
 apes?

 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
 section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
 woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
 considered a hostage situation?

 Is there another word for synonym?

 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all"?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
 plant?

 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
 them?

 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
 silent?

 Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

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Which Holiday Relative Are You?

Please circle the letter that best describes your response.

1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
 A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
 B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
 C. Who needs their wine topped off?
 D. I want to open presents first.
 E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
 F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
 G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.

2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
 A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
 B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
 C. I don't need another 12-step book.
 D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
 E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
 F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
 G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.

3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
 A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
 B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
 C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
 D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
 E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
 F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
 G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.

4. What is your holiday attire like?
 A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
 B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
 C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
 D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
 E. Something black that shows a little leg.
 F. My pajamas and a fez.
 G. Fur.

5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
 A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
 B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
 C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
 D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
 E. Why decorate when I am never home?
 F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
 G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.

6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
 A. Cleaner.
 B. Whiner.
 C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
 D. Broken.
 E. Vixen.
 F. Burden.
 G. Sniffer.

7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
 A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
 B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
 C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
 D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
 E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
 F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
 G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.

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If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!

If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.

If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.

If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.

If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.

If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.

If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...

If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.

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